"Hey, Who Really Cares?"

October 3rd, 2022

Hi friends, long time no see! I didn't die of the flu, I've been over it a couple weeks now, actually. I just have been not doing a ton of stuff I really want to share. I had plans today, but they were cancelled with no warning, so I didn't do much. I hate days like that. I've got the house to myself today til Wednesday night, so I guess I've just been lonely. Seems like I always am these days. I've been really trying to look at myself in an accurate way as of late. I have this habit of locking myself off from other people. I can't elaborate a whole lot here as I really don't want to share certain personal details, but my life is sort of built around keeping these walls up. I can't feel an ounce of vulnerability around anyone ever, it feels like. Maybe I've got the wrong friends, I really can't see myself being able to tell anyone I know these days about my life in any major way. But I do think it is, in a way, intrinsic to myself. Maybe I'm scared people will leave me. Well, I am scared of that. I guess I've lost a lot of people.

Some friends from work invited me to a hotel room in the city pretty soon. I want to go, but I'm also scared. They suggested drinking a bit and that's one of my big hangups. I can't be around any substances, really. This is potentially the safest, healthiest exposure I could possible have to it. I trust these people, yet it scares me deeply. Walls come up, don't they? I might mention it to them. I guess I fear I won't be able to maintain who I try to be if I am not in complete control of things. That's another thing that I sorta realized the other day. I was hanging out with them and one of them mentioned how little I talk about my own personal life and struggles. I am merely a mirror which reflects back what I want people to see. They didn't mean anything by it, of course. I'm not offended, it's the truth! I just want things to be different. I want to express the person I really am, whoever that person is.

On a somewhat lighter note, I've been okay otherwise. They're giving me a bi-weekly radio spot in Bowling Green at the college there. I'd just play during the breaks essentially, but it's a cool idea. Maybe when I perform more I will open up more. That's the only time I really feel as if I am free. I've also been collecting typewriters. I had 3 before this, now I have 7 (one on the way). Only 2 work, but I hope to fix the rest up. I just sort of become a magnet for these things. Fixing things is one of my favorite things right now. It gives me a sense of not wasting my time that I really need. I'm rambling, I need sleep. Goodnight, gang!

As Always,

Maxwell W.