January, 16th 2023

Happy new year! I hope this new year finds y'all well! Sorry it took me 16 days to make a new post, I have been a bit busy. My aunt's been sick, so I sort of go from work to the hospital to home to work again ad infinitum. I've been slowly coming to terms with the fact that my family is not normal. There's this horrible heriditary tendency to hide things, especially bad things. Appearances, I guess. It's just sort of more onto the ever-growing list of things to work on. I guess it's good that I'm able to realize these things? I'm just a little tired right now. My hours got slashed at work, so I got time to think/rest.

Rest is just hard. You know something? In my rapidly-approaching-two-decades on this Earth, I don't think I've ever really rested. I'm always racing. My doctor (bless her heart for having to deal with me lol) is screening me for ADHD. Maybe that will help me. I lack drive as you may be able to tell from my lack of finished projects. Maybe meds are the route for me? I often find myself up til late at night just thinking about the projects I'm working on. I sometimes can't even sleep. Too much going on. There's never been real, honest quiet in my head. Part of why I never tended to enjoy drugs or drink, there's just not enough time in the day as is! Part of me wonders if that intense drive will go away if I take meds. Probably an unreasonable worry? Maybe? I am the person I am today because everything I've ever experienced has been amplified 15 times. I don't experience paper cuts, just great gashes.

I guess I shouldn't worry about it til I try it. I can always say, "No, this isn't for me", if it's not for me. What's that Christian Bale picture where he's forced to take pills to turn his emotions off? My life is not like that, though I wish I could take half or a quarter of one of those sometimes. I always hesistate to mention my music career here, but it's sorta relavent. Every time I perform, I don't just sing, I really scream the words. It's such an incredible release of emotions, such an intense thing, you know? But after every show I am left so drained I can barely stand up straight. After the most recent performance, I was left shaking uncontrollably. It's not uncommon that I will feel the urge to cry for hours afterwards. Yet, I love it. Is that a healthy relationship? I wish I knew.

Anyways, I suppose I'll see you in another month. It felt good to muse here again, so maybe sooner. These entries sorta come in clusters, don't they? I will leave you with one parting reccomendation. I saw this anime recently called FLCL, it's really pretty good. Watch it if you haven't seen it. Anyways, see you!


Kern (Another one of my many fake names, maybe I should write about those sometime)