"Prison to Heaven"

June 1st, 2022

What's that they say about an old dog learning new tricks? More and more these days it seems like the world is speeding away from me. Friends drift apart, places change. I found out just the other day my friend Ellie from high school had passed last November. In September, Alijah died. I hate that this keeps happening. Ellie was in a dream I had the other day. We were outside of my childhood home in the trailer park, it was dark. She said, "Don't you remember the promise you made to me?", then she said something about my shirt that proved she wasn't kidding. I forget a lot of the details. But then she hugged me and I held onto her for what seemed like ages. Then, I woke up. I checked her Instagram and saw she hadn't posted in a while. I looked at the comments on her most recent post and heard she'd passed. She introduced me to an "ex" from years ago and when we split up in February of 2020, she stopped talking to me, too. She messaged me a few times after that, just mentioning old memories, that kind of thing. In May, texted me that she'd had a dream she was dying and I saved her, and she thanked me for it. Strange how things end up that way. I never said a lot back, at the time I wished she hadn't even messaged me because I was still bitter. I still held onto the grudge. I regret it now more than you'll ever know. Devo says she'll go up to Mount Washington to see where she's buried, but I think she was cremated and there's no monument. I'd still like to see her, I feel really lonely.

I wonder what her life was like before she died. I wonder if she had a lot of friends, I wonder what she was like. Was she much different than when I knew her? I guess I'm pretty different than how I was back then, so she must have been too. I just miss my friend.